I recently went out for a girls' night with some mothers in my neighborhood. One of the mothers mentioned using a baby carrier at church to prevent people from asking to hold her baby, since she was concerned about the baby getting sick. Another mom, who immigrated from Zimbabwe, laughed and said in her hometown, babies were passed around freely at church. 'I’d hand off my baby and expect to get them back by the end of the service!' She then commented on the lack of community in America, and how she often felt bad for offering to hold babies or watch others' kids on the playground. 

It made me realize a dilemma many American parents face: Should we protect our boundaries at the cost of community, or accept help and risk discomfort or even our child’s health?

This tension is real. Do you wear your baby to avoid illness but miss out on support, or take the risk and accept help? It’s a tricky balance, but maybe there’s a way to protect both boundaries and community.

No Perfect Solution, but Human Solutions

I’ve thought long and hard about this, and I haven’t found a perfect answer—because there isn’t one. There’s no perfect human, and no perfect village. Anytime we let someone into our lives, there will be a compromise, and parenting is no exception.

That said, it doesn’t mean there are no answers. Through conversations with friends and our Sprout community, I’ve gathered three possible paths forward, depending on your circumstances. And it’s worth saying clearly: if you find that your boundaries or parenting style matter more to you right now than building a village, that’s okay too.

Click the links below to visit the solutions that speak to you: 

Find a Village of Like-Minded People 

Have Hard Conversations 

Let Go of What's Not Important to You

Tips for Creating a Reciprocal Village

Find a Village of Like-Minded People

Parenting is full of nuance, and there are countless beliefs and methods people follow. What one generation or culture considers "normal" might feel totally foreign to another, and that can cause tension or even rifts in a village. You don’t want to hand out a long rulebook just to get a babysitter for Friday night, but at the same time, key aspects of your parenting approach can easily be disrupted by someone who simply doesn’t know your goals.

One solution is to surround yourself with like-minded people.

For example, if you use the Montessori method in your parenting, it may be important to you that your child's work is not interrupted, even by well-meaning comments. As you are working to build their attention and focus, even a well-meaning “What are you making?” might feel like an intrusion. 

It may be tough to explain to your family or friends why their well-intentioned comments are unwelcome, and they may feel discouraged and become disinterested in spending time alone with your child, for fear of doing things wrong. 

By connecting with families who share your approach, you can remove the need for constant explanation. Your values are more likely to be understood and respected, offering peace of mind for both you and those caring for your child.

That said, it’s unrealistic to expect everyone in your village to share your exact philosophy. Even among like-minded parents, there will be differences. And that’s okay.

A similar approach is to find shared values and meet people where they’re at.

For example, you might make a friend who has a very similar parenting style but has a more relaxed view on screen time for children. While you may be uncomfortable leaving your child with them for extended periods, you can still get together in a setting without screens for playdates, such as a park or museum. 

Still, even this takes effort. Building a village doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time and investment to build a village. 

One member of our Sprout community said, "I think that finding your village happens almost intuitively, through your interactions with people that are in similar situations. You are drawn to them, whether through your belief systems, experiences or circumstances. The main thing is, are you aware enough to recognize likeminded people or do you go and search them out. Put yourself out there in social circumstances where you have similar things going on with your families."

If you want more tips on how to build a village, skip to this section. 

Have Hard Conversations

Due to constraints in time, effort, or location, you might feel like you can only be connected to like-minded parents online.

Clare Haber-Harris said in their article, I’m Starting to Think You Guys Don’t Really Want a “Village”, "In real life, the 'village' includes your aunt who has what you think are bad politics, your mother-in-law who calls your 2-month-old son a 'ladies’ man,' your father-in-law who always has the TV on, your sister who asks too many personal questions, and … like, honestly, your 14-year-old neighbor who wants to get babysitting experience. It’s fine to decide you don’t want help from these people, but the village has traditionally meant 'the people around us,' not a bespoke neighborhood you might curate in The Sims."

Sometimes your village is made up of the people already around you. They may not be perfect, but many want to help in ways they can. Keeping that support while setting parenting boundaries often means having honest conversations, without pushing them away.

Here are some ways to introduce boundaries:

• "I really appreciated your help today. I know you were well-meaning when you told her that she couldn't have dessert until after she ate her dinner, but we don't follow that rule in our home. She can eat anything on her plate in any order she wants."
• "Thank you for your help today. I neglected to tell you, but in our home, we limit screentime. I would really appreciate it if you would turn off the TV or put down your phone when you're watching him." 
• "Thanks for agreeing to watch them today. Just so you're aware, the kids can play as much as they want, but they'll need to go down for a nap around 3." 

Just like with all tough conversations, it helps to remember these tips:

• Express your gratitude. It can be a sacrifice to be a part of someone's village, and a little expression of appreciation can go a long way. 
• Frame your expectations as requests. Instead of correcting or criticizing, gently share what would be helpful. People are more likely to respond positively when they feel invited, not judged.
• Use "I" statements rather than "you" statements. This keeps the focus on your needs and avoids sounding accusatory. For example: “I feel more at ease when…” instead of “You always…”
• Boundaries are less about forcing other people's behavior and more about your reaction to their behavior. Set expectations, and let them know that if they do y, you will do x. 
• Avoid lecturing. You don’t have to explain all your parenting philosophies. Just share what works for your household, and offer more details only if they ask.

Here are some ways to address broken boundaries: 

• "Oh, you don't have to enforce her eating. I appreciate your help, but it's more important to me that she learns how to listen to her body than to clear her plate. I'd appreciate your help in this, as I believe it will help her develop a better relationship with her body and food." 
• "You have been such a great help. I noticed that you gave the kids iPads. As we previously discussed, we try to limit screen time. I know it may not seem like a big deal, but it will impact the rest of our day. I'd really like to work this out if we can." 
• "When the kids don't get their nap, they can have issues going to sleep at night from being overtired. I'd appreciate it if you could help them stick to their normal routine."  

It's worth noting that not everyone will respect your wishes, even after some hard conversations. This will bring you to a fork in the road; you can choose to either uphold a boundary and limit that relationship with them, or you can find a compromise. 

Here's what our community had to say: 

- "Boundaries are key and it’s not black and white. My husband and I created a two page letter for family and caretakers around our son stating our parenting philosophy and perspectives to help to clear the air and have open communication without guilt or having to make things awkward in the moment. It was helpful and those who respect your wishes are worth having in your village. Those who dismiss your values aren’t worth having in your circle. Parents should feel confident having boundaries and not need to apologize for them."

- "If you are struggling with boundaries in your village, you have to decide if the situation warrants risking those in your village when you share your beliefs and desires for your children with them. You are your child’s advocate. You make those hard conversations happen to advocate for the well-being of your child." 

Let Go of What's Not Important to You

Like all relationships, being part of a village requires compromise.

Those around you may feel overwhelmed if they’re handed a multi-page list of rules or expected to follow your parenting style perfectly, especially during a short babysitting stint. And when every parent seems to have their a list of non-negotiables, it can make offering help feel more like walking on eggshells.

That’s why it can be helpful to ask yourself: What matters most to me? And what can I let go of, at least when someone else is helping out?

Being clear on your core priorities lets you set boundaries that are both firm and compassionate, creating space for your village to step in without fear or confusion.

Here's what our community had to say: 

• "Honestly, I absolutely love letting family members watch my child. I value the relationship and support way more than a slightly different parenting style for a couple hours. And I tell my child “you got a special treat while you were with…” if they do something differently than I do such as watching TV. And I remind myself that this relative has raised amazing children even if we do some things differently."
• "For me I have the opinion that different parenting styles and rules are good for kids to experience so I don’t mind things are different with me then it is at my parents and it’s different at my parents than with my in-laws. IMO those relationships your child gets with other people are more valuable than any other little thing could be."

Letting go may be difficult. You put your heart and soul into parenting, and it may seem backward to let it be reversed with your village. 

Here are some tips on how to determine what you are willing to compromise on: 

• Does this concern my child's safety?
• Am I able to communicate to my child why they may be treated differently with this person than when they are with me? 
• Is it more important for my child to follow this boundary or to have a relationship with this person? 

Me (far left) and my "village" at a Fairy Tea Party

A Reciprocal Village 

Having a village means that you are a part of the village. For a village to thrive, you need to reciprocate, unless you want to burn them out. But how can you possibly reciprocate when you feel like you're drowning yourself? 

In a past blog, I shared about my friend Lisa and her family; they’ve been my village as much as I’ve been theirs. After a tough week, I asked if I could spend a few hours with her baby. Not only did I get sweet baby snuggles, but I also left with a warm meal and dessert. Other times, she’s invited me on family trips, to yoga, or simply stopped by during an evening walk to check in.

Building your village doesn’t have to be complicated. Sometimes, the most restorative moments meet both their needs and yours.

 Here are some examples: 

• • "Other moms are great for this — you watch the kids Tuesday afternoon so I can run errands, I take the kids Thursday evening so you can get to that yoga class you like etc." - icantanymore22 on reddit 

  • "I popped over [to my neighbor] and said, 'Hey, can I borrow your kid? I need to distract mine for a few hours so I can do some work' and this woman was like, 'take him' and handed me some money for snacks and away we went." - saplith on reddit 

  • Kelsewhatelse on Instagram shared in her series "Don't Expect to a village if you're unwilling to be a villager" Part 6 how she contributed and received from her village all within the same day (I highly recommend watching that series, it's very good) 

For tips on becoming a villager or building a village, you can read our blog here. 

Do you have thoughts on balancing boundaries with your village? Comment below!